Solitude vs. Loneliness: Knowing the Difference
Life’s Funny…Until It’s Not™ | Episode Blog Post
Raise your hand if you’ve ever talked yourself out of something before you even got out of the car. Both hands? Yeah. Me too.
Last Friday, I drove to the local senior center — membership in hand, good intentions fully loaded — pulled into the parking lot, saw that it was full, and drove right back out. Didn’t park. Didn’t go in. Didn’t even turn the engine off. Just drove through like I was on a sightseeing tour of my own avoidance.
And here’s the thing. I know better. I literally know all the right answers. A lot of good that did me.
So that’s what this episode is about. Loneliness — the real kind, the sneaky kind, the kind that doesn’t announce itself. And solitude — because those two things are not the same, even though we treat them like they are. And somewhere in the middle of all of that: parking lots, senior centers, and one very confident 74-year-old woman who has absolutely no time for your excuses.
How I Got Here
Here’s what you need to know about me. I am an introvert who figured out how to build a very full life. Before this past year, I was working full-time, running the R2RB Network, producing shows, interviewing indie artists, and attending events all over Delaware. Four kids. A lot of grandchildren. My parents. A calendar that had no mercy.
I was not lonely. I was busy. And I liked it that way. Then family life took a turn nobody saw coming. And little by little — so slowly I didn’t even notice at first — that full calendar started looking pretty empty. I wasn’t doing anything. I was just doing something completely different. Something harder. Something that required everything I had.
And when it was over — when it was time to come back to the rest of my life — my old anxieties were right there waiting for me. Like they’d kept the lights on.
The Companion Question
Somewhere in the middle of all of this, I started thinking: maybe what I need is a companion. Someone to go antiquing with. Road trips. Live music. Just someone to have a real conversation with over dinner that isn’t a doctor or a caseworker.
So I tried it. I started talking to a very nice man. Genuinely nice — I want to be clear about that. But I also wasn’t ready. Not even close. My mom had just passed away, and I was still in the middle of grief I hadn’t fully recognized yet. I was honest with him about that. He was understanding. And I walked away knowing that what I was actually looking for wasn’t a boyfriend. What I was looking for was myself.
Because here is what nobody tells you about being a caregiver — and some of you know exactly what I mean — you spend so much time taking care of someone else that when it’s over, you don’t quite know what to do with your own hands. You forgot what you wanted. You forget what made you happy. You forget that you are allowed to need things too.
I didn’t need a man. I needed my life back.
What I Actually Did About It
So I did what any self-respecting woman of a certain age does when she needs to know she’s not alone. I went to Facebook.
I joined every group I could find. Aging Gracefully. Women Over 50. Women Over 60. Cool Retired Women. Seniors Who Want New Friends. And let me tell you — the women in these groups are not playing.
One woman, 74 years old, said she’s still dating, but they’re not living together or getting married. She’s letting the good times roll. I want to be her when I grow up.
Another woman said what a lot of us were thinking: men in their 60s want women in their 40s and 50s. So where does that leave women in their 60s? Men in their 80s?
And then there was this one that stopped me cold: Finding a man is not a priority for me. Enjoying life is. That’s it. That’s the whole thing right there.
Which brings me to what I’m actually doing about it. I forced myself to volunteer. I joined the groups. I drove to the senior center — and yes, I drove right back out — but I also made a new plan. The smaller center. This week. Deep breath and walk in.
And I signed up to host a local chapter of Ethel — a national women’s social club built around friendship and community for women over 50. No agenda. No pressure. Just women, a local eatery, and conversation. Which is very on brand for me. Because if I’m going to push through my anxiety and walk into a room full of strangers, I might as well be in charge.
Food For Thought
Here’s what I found while I was doing my research — and it reframed everything for me.
Experts define loneliness not as being alone, but as the gap between the social connections you have and the ones you actually want. That’s it. It’s not about how many people are in the room. It’s about whether the connections you have are actually feeding you.
Which means you can be surrounded by people and still be lonely. And you can be completely on your own and feel absolutely fine. Sound familiar?
Here’s the part that really got my attention. A study from the Journal of Women and Aging found that women over 55 who live alone and actively nurture their independence report lower rates of depression than women in unsatisfying relationships or unfulfilling caregiving roles. Lower. Not higher. So the goal was never a warm body. The goal was a meaningful connection on our own terms.
And here’s where it gets serious — because it does. The National Institute on Aging links loneliness and social isolation to higher risks of heart disease, depression, and cognitive decline. This isn’t just a feelings problem. It’s a health problem. Which means doing something about it isn’t optional. It’s self-care.
So what actually helps?
Know your triggers. Loneliness isn’t one-size-fits-all. For some of us, it’s a rainy Sunday. For some, it’s a holiday. For some, it’s a full parking lot. Know what sets yours off so you can have a plan before it hits.
Start small. Not a small gym membership. Grocery store small. A walk around the block small. Researchers found that older adults actually prefer active, individual coping strategies over big social leaps. So starting small isn’t a failure — it’s what works.
Find your reason to show up. Volunteering. A club. A lunch with strangers. Whatever gets you out the door and into a room with people who might become your people.
Because here’s what the research and real life agree on: loneliness is not a normal part of aging. It’s a signal. And signals are meant to be answered.
What I’m Learning
Getting back to life after loss — and I don’t just mean death, I mean any kind of loss — takes longer than anyone tells you. And it looks different from what you expect. Sometimes it looks like joining six Facebook groups at midnight. Sometimes it looks like driving through a parking lot and going home. Sometimes it looks like signing up to host a lunch, because if you’re going to be anxious anyway, you might as well be in charge.
Solitude is a choice. Loneliness is a feeling. And the difference between the two is whether or not you are moving toward something.
I am moving. Slowly. Sometimes in the wrong direction. But I am moving.
And if you’re sitting somewhere right now feeling like the world kept going while you were busy surviving — I just want you to know. Me too. And we are going to be just fine.
Life’s funny. Until it’s not. And then somehow — it gets funny again.
Connect with me at info@R2RB.com or tune in to Out of the Attic Live From Delaware on Sundays at 7 PM EST on the R2RB Network. Until next time — take good care of yourself. And remember: even when life isn’t funny, you don’t have to go through it alone.
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